Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess. Her mother the queen had been killed by an evil witch, and she and her father the king had been banished to a faraway land of ice and snow. Here the princess learned to be strong, to survive the wild, to hunt and to hide. And she learned to fight. And when she was ready she returned to the land of her birth to face the evil witch and avenge her mother’s murder. And the princess lived happily ever after.
Or something like that.
Director: Robert Luketic
Writers: Bob DeRosa and Ted Griffin, based on a story by DeRosa
After 2004’s The Butterfly Effect, I swore off Ashton Kutcher movies. Now, of all the terrible actors in all the movies in all the world, there are many worse than Kutcher. Rob Schneider, for instance. I’ve successfully avoided Schneider’s films for three years, or eight if you discount the many bizarre cameo appearances he makes in Adam Sandler comedies. Why did I swear off Kutcher, then? He’s certainly more talented than Schneider, exuding at least a slight hint of prettyboy charm. It’s because there is no reality in which I can conceive of Kutcher doing something interesting. He just doesn’t have it in him. He’s not interesting to watch, he never has anything interesting to say, and his status as the second most-followed person on Twitter–trailing, of all people, Britney Spears–is merely indicative of the fact that even hip social media sites fall prey to old prom king-type popularity contests.
Director: Joe Carnahan
Writers: Joe Carnahan, Brian Bloom, and Skip Woods, based on the television series The A-Team created by Stephen J. Cannell and Frank Lupo
Maybe I’m simply of the wrong generation, but does anyone actually like The A-Team? The old TV series, I mean. I’ve barely seen the show outside of a few clips I looked up before writing this review, so again…I might just be missing something. But like The Brady Bunch or Gilligan’s Island–shows I did watch, and love, when I was younger–The A-Team has seemingly become one of those pop culture landmarks fondly remembered by many but genuinely enjoyed by few. And unfortunately, unlike when The Brady Bunch came to the big screen and amusingly satirized everything that people held dear about the show, The A-Team takes a far more generic, predictable path.