Justin Bieber to Get 3D Biopic; Satan Inches Closer to Winning Bet with God (UPDATE)

Gangsta.

I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of tween girls’ hormones suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly inflamed with lust. I fear something terrible has happened.
– Ancient Jedi proverb

A few minutes ago, despite contemplating Dan Aykroyd’s career trajectory, I was having a mostly peaceful evening. Then Deadline (luckily without a GOTCHA! or a TOLDJA!, because fuck Nikki Finke if she saw this coming and didn’t do anything about it) reported this delightful bit of news. My instant, unfiltered reaction via Skype:

AJ: 3D BIOPIC OF JUSTIN BIEBER. THIS IS A THING THAT IS HAPPENING.
Paul: *spit* *choke* WHAT?!? Oh my God. The decline of Western civilization.

Yes, Paramount Pictures will be making a 3D Justin Bieber biopic. Starring Justin Bieber. Featuring his music. In 3D. For what I assume will be at least 90 minutes, a tragic 90 minutes played again and again in large, overstaffed movie theaters the nation wide for several months. The very talented documentarian Davis Guggenheim, maker of good films like An Inconvenient Truth or It Might Get Loud, will direct, apparently looking to make him some o’ that Bieber bank. This enterprise assumes that Justin Bieber, at 16 years of age (though let’s be honest, he’s really only 12), has lived a life worth making into a major motion picture. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that, international fame or no, he has not. That’s right, folks. No one’s ever made a major biopic of Elvis Presley or the Beatles or Marilyn Monroe, but some kid who’s been popular for a year is getting the big screen Lifetime treatment.

Parents, clench your wallets in terror. Male tweens, put your arms around your girls and hope for at least a little tongue for being willing to tag along. Cash-hungry executives, get ready to reap your twisted, nightmarish reward. For here comes…JUSTIN 3D-EBER IN THE 3D STORY OF HIS LIFE!!! IN 3D!!! In 3D theaters on 3D Valentine’s Day in 3D 2011. 3D.

UPDATE: Having regained his faculties, Davis Guggenheim has backed out of the project. I can’t put it better than The A.V. Club did, so I won’t even try. However, may I suggest Uwe Boll as Guggenheim’s successor?

So, Hey, Wonder Woman Has Pants and Stuff

I’m still determining how much I actually care about this news, but everyone’s talking about it: writer J. Michael Straczynski and artist Jim Lee have redesigned Wonder Woman’s costume. Gone are the bustier, the star-spangled panties. In are pants–er, “urban leggings”–and a lil’ jacket, presumably for those colder nights aboard the Justice League satellite. But…er…is she still even a member of the Justice League? In a move that confuses the fuck out of me, Diana’s new costume comes along with a new origin. Apparently the gods screwed with the timeline–oh, those gods, always manipulating the course of human history–and the Amazons were attacked by a mysterious figure, baby Diana being whisked away during the battle. She’s raised in New York, and is now totally urban. Bitchin’!

Seriously, though, as much as I like Straczynski (and he alone is to thank for reviving Spider-Man after a decade of awful comics), what the hell? What is the point? As Straczynski rightly states, Wonder Woman has always been more interesting than her books, so he wanted to give her a modern, urban update. Wonder Woman? Urban? And as much as it makes sense for Diana to finally put some pants on while crimefighting, the costume itself looks like it’s been vomited forth from the dark recesses of the 90’s.

Again, though, I’m not sure how much I care. As we all know, this change is not permanent. Does anyone remember when Superman changed his costume? Or Spider-Man? No. This is not going to stick. Besides, though I like Diana, I’ve never been particularly drawn to her comics. I’ve enjoyed the Greg Rucka stuff I’ve read, and Gail Simone is a fine writer whom I’m sure did the character justice, but Wonder Woman is not a character or a property that I am deeply invested in.

But if you want someone who does care, just go read Nikki Finke, who is absolutely outraged that a man–A MAN!!!!–made Wonder Woman put on some pants, thus setting feminism back a thousand million billion years. Apparently she saw the whole objectifying panties thing as being super hardcore woman power stuff. Also, Nikki, and I hate that you’re going to find out this way, a man gave birth to Wonder Woman. Yeah. It’s awkward. Sorry. Though the fact that Wonder Woman is “the only comic book female character [you’ve] ever admired” means you don’t really know jack shit about comic books anyway.