MST3K-ing ‘New Moon’

In preparation for our most recent episode, Paul, myself, and his wife Pam watched New Moon. We chatted about it live over Skype. Our reaction to the film was not, how you say, positive. It basically amounted to us MST3K-ing the flick. Below I have provided highlights from our chat.

Obviously, SPOILERS after the jump…

There is an incredibly slow reveal of the title.

Paul: Wow, that was two minutes of running time right there.

Bella shows up and emotes.

Pam: That’s actually a facial expression. Wow. Already better than Twilight.
AJ: Don’t be fooled. Everyone says this is the worst of the three.

Edward makes his grand entrance.

Paul: SPARKLES!!!
AJ: HE IS SPARKLING.
Pam: And…..sparkles.

Bella has a dream where Edward begins romancing an 80-year-old who turns out to be her.

AJ: This is like the most retarded David Lynch movie ever.
Paul: Bella’s pretty hot as an octagenarian.
AJ: That was the happiest day of that old woman’s life.
Pam: He’s both a pedophile and an octaphile.

Edward struts onto the screen in slow motion, backed by music available at your local Hot Topic.

AJ: So sexy. Man, I can just feel the sex. He is walking. And it is sex.
Paul: The emo power walk of sparkly angst! (TM)
Pam: His walk is a power walk? OMG. Squeee. He’s so cool.

Bella gets a paper cut, driving the vampiric Cullens wild.

AJ: Oh my God, the paper cut moment is about to happen.
Paul: AND the obligatory paper cut.
Pam: It bothers me that they’ve lived hundreds of years and are so immature.
AJ: BITCH FIGHT.
Pam: Way to go, Edward. One paper cut and you throw her into glass. Way to control the blood lust.
AJ: For only Bella Swan would a paper cut become a life-or-death tragedy.

Edward, realizing that he is putting Bella in danger by simply being near her, decides to depart Forks. He prohibits Bella from coming.

Pam: No, Bella, you are not coming. And he doesn’t want you to come. Written by a Mormon.
Paul: He doesn’t want her to come? That’s pretty selfish. But honest, dude. Props.

Edward leaves. Bella crumples to the ground.

Paul: She’s so lost without him she can’t walk?
AJ: Her vertebrae have in fact been removed by his absence.
Pam: Didn’t you GET the Romeo & Juliet metaphor? It’s the only movie Stephenie Meyer’s ever seen. She clearly can’t read.
Paul: If a pointless waste of a character falls in the woods and no one cares…

Bella goes for a girl’s night out with Jessica, played by Anna Kendrick, whom I have previously referred to as being my girlfriend. Also, Bella sees a ghostly vision of Edward; then she suddenly, inexplicably becomes an adrenaline junkie and goes for a ride with a psychopathic redneck biker.

Pam: Look, AJ’s girlfriend is back. Watch now, AJ.
Paul: “My cousin had leprosy. It’s not that funny.”
AJ: Oh my God, this character would never use the words “leprosy” or “consumerism.” She may be my girlfriend, but I’m about to slap her.
Paul: Oh. My. God.
AJ: Funniest look of shock ever.
Paul: “Maybe next time we don’t date the guy with the zero personality.”
AJ: I’m fairly certain this is the most retarded shit I have ever seen. What the fuck? She’s going with skeezy biker guy because she’s sad about Edward? What?
Paul: He don’t care what his woman say. She not there to be talkin’ an’ shit.
Pam: This might be worse than Twilight. I didn’t think that was possible. How does she have any friends? Who can stand to be around her?
AJ: She is the worst character of all time. I don’t even think I’m exaggerating.

I forget what was going on here, but it was really shitty, and we pointed out just how shitty it was.

AJ: The person who wrote this screenplay should be crucified. On a glowing neon crucifix. On live television. Doused with gasoline.
Pam: I’ll do it.
AJ: I’ll help.
Paul: I’m telling myself that these possibly otherwise reasonably talented actors got themselves TRAPPED in contractual obligations and now are forced to perform this SHIT like monkeys being tortured in a really sick sideshow circus.

This one guy asks Bella to a movie. They try to decide which one. Jacob shows up, crashes the date. All three go to see FACE PUNCH.

AJ: Love Spelled Backwards Is Love? What in the fucking fuck? Face Punch? What in the fucking fuck?
Pam: I think we can’t watch this because we watch Joss shows. Stephenie Meyer and this screenwriter have NO idea how people really talk.
AJ: Face Punch poster. The tagline is: “LET’S DO THIS!” For real.
Pam: Movie night with Bella. I know how you feel, AJ’s girlfriend.
AJ: OH MY GOD THIS IS THE BEST DIALOGUE EVER. I want to watch FACE PUNCH.
Paul: Is this movie REALLY mocking another kind of movie? Man, they’ve got some balls.
Pam: I wish this were a choose your own adventure movie and we could choose to watch Face Punch now.

Jacob is all ripped now, and he’s about to turn into a big ol’ wolf.

Paul: He’s gonna Hulk out?
AJ: Rick Baker transformation effects these are not.
Paul: Did she REALLY not figure it out before? I’m serious, I thought she figured it out. Man, she’s dim.
Pam: Let me get this straight. Jasper attacks Bella, and Edward throws Bella across the room. A werewolf attacks Bella, and Jacob goes after the attacker. You better think, Bella.

One of the vampires shows up and asks Bella why she smells like wet dog. Jacob walks in, confirming that he is, in fact, the wet dog in question.

Pam: That would have been a great musical cue for “WHO LET THE DOGS OUT? WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO?”
AJ: Followed by a montage of Jacob’s abs and Bella cliff diving.
Pam: And then a shape-shifting flash mob of wolves.

Edward, believing Bella to be dead, is about to commit suicide by disrobing outside of the Volturi’s headquarters in Italy, in order to reveal the existence of vampires and to cause the Volturi to kill the fuck out of him. Bella runs to his rescue.

AJ: I also love that Bella’s top button is unbuttoned. Ahem.
Paul: Nice slo-mo boob sway.
AJ: Best part of the movie.
Paul: So if people saw some emo fuck wearing a crap ton of glitter makeup THAT would reveal the existence of vampires?
Pam: They SPARKLE like diamonds. It could blind humans. It’s not glitter. Duh.
AJ: He would’ve looked like a pasty supernova.

Edward is back in Forks. There’s a stand-off with Jacob. Edward asks Bella to marry him. Credits roll.

Paul: SQUEEEE!
Pam: I bet the entire audience dropped their ovaries and screamed out loud at that moment.
Paul: Oh, thank the Flying fucking Spaghetti Monster that shit is over!
AJ: Holy shit, the credits are 9 minutes long? I refuse to believe it took that many people to put this shitfest together.

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